free software resistance

 the cost of computing freedom is eternal vigilance

### avoiding-toxic-people-while-dating *originally posted:* jan 2024 ### a few things to start this is going to mention some very specific things- specific enough that its very unlikely you know someone who does all of them. youre also likely to know lots of people who do these things occasionally. toxic personality isnt about being imperfect, everyone is imperfect. it isnt about a black and white checklist of traits, so much as an overall picture. its about harm done in relationships- sometimes theres no harm done, and thats fine. its also about a complete lack of accountability. toxic people will admit faults that dont matter to them or anyone else: "oh, im such a terrible perfectionist!" no ones accusing them of this. but if they do a bunch of things to you personally, and you start to notice, they wont seriously consider their actions. they only care about themselves. you should note that just because you know a lot about toxic people doesnt mean youll always notice or do something good about whats happening. you might know a lot about nutrition and eating well, that doesnt necessarily mean you have a good diet. avoiding toxic people in your dating life is similar. and its about good habits, too- even if you really do care, we make mistakes. we let our guard down. dwelling on things we shouldve noticed isnt the goal here- the point is to hopefully be more careful. ### actual victims its true that if you confront many toxic people, they will possibly darvo (deny and reverse victim and offender) and make it about you, or someone else. rarely is it a good idea to get into a debate with ANYONE about this, its meant to draw you into more drama, to keep you on a playing field the person controls. avoid it as a rule. keep walking away if possible. often they will give up and leave you alone- not always. even if they do give up, they will likely test the water a few times first- over days, weeks, maybe more. it should be noted, particularly when doing armchair evaluations (or talking to a friend about their own abuser) that victims of abuse can sometimes have some similar patterns with their abuser- like being skittish about direct questions, like a non-clinical but otherwise noticeable level of paranoia or persecution- this doesnt mean theyre necessarily abusive, they may just be really stressed out or triggered. a key difference here is that abusive people typically arent accountable, but non-abusive people will make real efforts towards fairness- and at least honesty. when dealing with victims who arent toxic this wont always be easy, as they may seem a little abusive at first- but may prove to be reasonable, while people who are toxic may appear to be actual victims trying to be fair. so its really more about the overall picture than some snippet of interaction. one thing to consider is a range of 1 to 10 on various traits, seeing how they rate overall. people arent necessarily equipped to do this accurately, and at the same time people have an obligation to themselves to maintain distance from abusive people. beware of easy answers. but do please try to take care of yourself. ### self-obsession and self-promotion this is a pretty unreliable metric in my opinion, at least by itself. some kinds of self-obsession are indeed toxic, and others are harmless quirks. watch out for people stealing the limelight from someone- even you- who just did something worth being happy about or proud of. watch for self-aggrandising behaviour, especially when it belittles you or people you care about. watch out for things that matter simply being dismissed. watch out for people regularly making themselves out to be faultless. that is, faultless in any meaningful way. even people who have been abused and are real victims, if they cannot ever take responsibility for actual faults and actual harm done to other people- this is a bad thing. if theyre a good person they might work on it, but its really good if everyone tries to find and work on their own faults. everyone has them. its unfortunate that we live in a society that encourages us to self-promote so much- that anyone would even feel a need to. that doesnt mean there arent good people who have to promote themselves. MOST people are not terrible human beings. quite a lot of people are promoting themselves, but they arent always toxic about it. humility is still a wonderful trait, some people can fake it, but again when its fake its about things that dont matter to them. real humility is acknowledging imperfections even about things that matter dearly. ### bait and switch one of the worst things that toxic people do is lure you in with friendliness and pretending to understand or care. the good news is this act is incredibly difficult to pull off reliably for long periods of time. in my experience, MOST people will start to show their true colours within 2 to 6 weeks. this isnt a timeframe you can count on. but do things start to get a lot more difficult after a week or two? do they start out carefree and suddenly become demanding? theres no way a single article can make you an expert on reasonable vs. unreasonable demands. people who demand- or try to guilt you- over giving them things, or who act entitled to physical affection outside of your level of comfort or personal feelings of intimacy, these things are not reasonable. and the opposite is also implied here: people who set boundaries about their body, their time and their resources, this is not unreasonable. controlling, uncaring or neglecting people may use boundaries to keep you from addressing or even tending to your own needs. the only healthy way to navigate that is to be very honest with yourself and learn more about reasonable boundaries, controlling people, and double standards. when your actual needs in a relationship cannot be met, regardless of whether that is someone elses fault or not, this either needs to be addressed- if the relationship is healthy enough to facilitate that, or otherwise the relationship is toxic and should be withdrawn from. it is absolutely okay to leave someone who mistreats you, and you should not get drawn into a debate about whether you have this right. people may act like they respect your wishes initially, then become incredibly entitled and pushy, and manipulative or unfair once you feel comfortable with them. it can seem like a change overnight, but they might introduce their true selves gradually. ### double standards as important as it is to have and set boundaries, one of the biggest hints about a toxic relationship is a lot of double standards. as with the bait and switch they might not be double standards initially, but quickly turn into double standards. another way this happens is maybe as a seemingly one time thing, like a credit card thief trying out a number to see if it works with a small transaction, before going on a spree. most people are unreasonable occasionally, expecting perfection of people is a great way to be disappointed. but these quick changes followed by performative resolution- "hurt and rescue" for example, followed by more and more hurting? this is bad. double standards manifest in expectations, in social and material terms, as well as effort. this is tricky, because a toxic person may always act like YOUR expectations are unreasonable, and try to focus on that as a way of deflecting from ever bothering to meet expectations of yours that are indeed reasonable. at first the complicated dance around this may throw you off. when it ends a friendship or romance, some of it may reveal itself in hindsight. trying to learn from this is tricky, we naturally feel good about the earliest, most unreliable parts of a romance- or friendship- and there is an incentive to overlook the things we know that we know. it really is like that cake or ice cream when youre trying to diet or just eat healthy. and we are all human. different people have different needs and wants that matter to them. double standards are about a lack of mutual respect, more than theyre about the same exact rules for everyone. if youre in a relationship with a vegan and theyre not bothered by you eating ice cream, theyre probably not going to be upset that you didnt leave any for them- unless they were saving some for guests. i dont know if any vegans would do that, but hopefully this contrived example still works. ### control and conflict one of the most important boundaries is the boundary about being who you really are. does your partner dismiss key things about you, which are close to the core of your identity and self-worth? this is an enormous red flag. do they reduce you to your favourite thing, only to insinuate youd be a more complete person if you were "less" about it? this is a huge red flag, and you would be surprised how easy it is to overlook intially. friendly advice can be friendly, but sometimes advice is just an excuse to be cruel, callous or uncaring. it all depends. but it adds up. if you are becoming too much less like yourself to please someone, its a very bad sign even if you dont notice them pushing you. if your friends see you becoming drastically different, this is a huge sign that something is wrong. if your partner keeps you away from your friends- socially or physically, more and more, this is a dangerous sign and youre probably in a toxic relationship. someone who cares about you will be supportive of the things you love dearly, and the friendships you have. they may notice a person in your life who is toxic, but if they do they will tread lightly, they will not become controlling and dominating about it. sometimes the toxicity a person sees in someone is just their own projection. these things can be very hard to prove, and thats why when you dont actually know someone, its can be so hard for people to tell who is the abuser doing darvo and who is the victim. sometimes toxic relationships have two people abusing each other, or two people abusing a third person, as in a family. control can be scary, and subtle- it can be loud and cruel one moment and calm and charismatic the next. image control is very important to toxic people. it can be important to anyone, but especially to toxic people. has someone toxic in your life ever gathered together a bunch of friends, given them half a story and twisted as many details as possible to make you at fault instead of them? that relationship will never, never work out. ### aftermath the aftermath is about safety and peace. an abusive person can never promise you either of these. you arent safe with an abusive person, because even if its "only emotional" abuse it can make your life more difficult for years- and introduce patterns that victims have to deal with that invite more abusers into their life, including abusers who are even less safe than the former ones. dont stay with an abuser just because youve survived worse people. emotional harm is bad for your health- in terms of stress, depression and worse. emotional harm is indeed what leads some people to become abusive and toxic. relationships can be messy, and getting out of abusive relationships isnt something a person should ever make light of. just because they got out of an abusive relationship doesnt mean all you have to do is what they did- they might know what you should do, they might not. its true that many of us make really poor excuses for staying in a bad relationship. but although friends may decide its better to leave the situation alone than stay party to a mess that you have no intention of leaving soon, its not their place to decide for you when and how to leave. if they can truly rescue you- take you far away to real safety, thats one thing. its not always that complicated. worst of all, they may insist you just have to do it yourself. this is not fair, nor is it safe. people with a superficial understanding of your situation dont have the right to boss you around about how to do better. but hopefully, when your real friends care and tell you what you do need to hear, with compassion- you will hear them. and good luck. license: 0-clause bsd ``` # 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, 2024 # # Permission to use, copy, modify, and/or distribute this software for any # purpose with or without fee is hereby granted. # # THE SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED "AS IS" AND THE AUTHOR DISCLAIMS ALL WARRANTIES # WITH REGARD TO THIS SOFTWARE INCLUDING ALL IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF # MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR BE LIABLE FOR # ANY SPECIAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES OR ANY DAMAGES # WHATSOEVER RESULTING FROM LOSS OF USE, DATA OR PROFITS, WHETHER IN AN # ACTION OF CONTRACT, NEGLIGENCE OR OTHER TORTIOUS ACTION, ARISING OUT OF # OR IN CONNECTION WITH THE USE OR PERFORMANCE OF THIS SOFTWARE. ``` => https://freesoftwareresistance.neocities.org